After the incredibly shitastic day I've just had, I was awaiting with great anticipation getting home to douse my bed in gasoline, and laying in it with a lit cigarette. But instead, amidst the chaotic, hallucinogenic state of sleeplessness, my mind, or what was left of it, began to wander. I found myself laughing at imaginary scenarios. Do any of you do that, or am I that off the deep end? I figured it'd be somewhat constructive to write them down, and document them. But even better yet, I decided to put it into a blog. So, seeing as it's been forever since I've updated this tomb of a website, here goes what I am titling, "Odd Things To Do To Make Your Bad Day Enjoyable."
CAStLE Disclaimer: I am not, by any means, an authority of anything, much less someone you should take advice from. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling very delirious at this very moment. Continue reading at your own risk.
#1 ~ After every, "God bless you", a friend or acquaintance has granted you after a sneeze, quickly retort with a simple but firm, "Fuck you!" or, "Suck my dick!"
This seems simple enough, but with great execution, can be quite comforting and pleasant. Advanced experts might want to try this with strangers, but in that case, perhaps switching up the retort might make for a better scenario. For example, a quickly placed, "Mind your business!" or, "Did I ask for your opinion?", might do the trick. The point here is you're already in a bad mood, so displaying your true emotions and catching someone off guard can feel very therapeutic. Try telling them to suck it. Feel free to experiment.
#2 ~ When sighing or clearing your throat, do so at an obnoxiously loud volume.
With a bad day, you'll most likely find yourself doing either of these a few times and trust me, it can be a great release. There's also many variations of this one, all fun and enjoyable, for you at least. The more people you get staring at you, the better the job you've done. High five!
#3 ~ Start a fight with a complete stranger.
Now we're talking turkey. This idea is so incredible, they made the greatest movie of all time off of it. Everyone knows, movies don't lie. This idea might prove to be more difficult than it sounds, and dangerous, but therein lies the reward. You certainly won't be worried about the job you just lost and your car that just broke down when you're getting beaten up, or bludgeoning someone. So man up, pussy. Get that frustration out on a stranger's face. They deserve it. Now it's their bad day.
#4 ~ Choose a song or melody that is highly criticized, peculiar, or obnoxious, and see how many people you can get fixated on that particular song by reciting it, continuously.
You don't have to be having a bad day to do this bad boy. I do it daily. It helps to hum it to add a vague mystique, so it's almost like a game people around you will hate to win. Personal favorites are: "I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth!", and "It's that Laffy Taffy.. The Laffy Taffy!" Y'know, the contemporary pop classics.
#5 ~ Throw things. Throw many things. Preferably at people. Throw a fish at the ceiling. Throw a bottle or glass at an animal or small child. Bingo.
#6 ~ Two words: Death Metal. You're welcome.
#7 ~ Be as confusing as possible in conversations with anyone, and talk to yourself out loud, at great lengths.
These will probably come natural to you, I know they usually do for me. Sometimes I'll have arguments with myself and start shouting while in the frozen food section at a local grocery store. "You're going to get some more pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets, you fat shit? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS WHY NO ONE ON EARTH WANTS TO FUCK YOU? Go get some more ice cream, tubby." It's important and helpful to remember that it's always your fault that something bad happened, even an unforeseen circumstance. Now act accordingly.
#8 ~ Figure out a preset phrase that you'll utter often, which will do nothing but confuse people and hopefully make your day more enjoyable.
For example, someone tries their usual chitchat about their favorite episode of The Office, just stare dead-eyed at them and reply with, "You think you're better than me?!" Now that's refreshing, so keep it up.
#9 ~ Kill every living thing around you and then rape it.
#10 ~ Just go with the flow, and don't give a shit.
This is the last one because I'm being completely serious. I've found in the seemingly never-ending amount of bad days I've had, that instead of getting frustrated and angry, keeping calm and almost sedated makes everything seem to go by faster and less difficult. The more I get fed up and worry with my mind in a million different places, the more problematic things become. Stress is a killer for sure. I'm stressed about a ton of things right now, I usually am. But the main point is, things are going to happen regardless and it's best to just do what you can and keep it moving. Which is one of my favorite sayings, by the way.
Well, at this moment I'm finally home. If anybody did read this, I hope it was at least a slightly enjoyable read. I'm sure there were tons of grammatical errors, seeing as I did this stressed out and half-assed. Man, I'm fading fast.. Now to just find that damn gasoline....
Bye.
